Fortunes

Here are some fun fortunes that I wrote for several parties I had where I made these cookies.

You can write your fortunes as regular sentences, or add "Confucius Says..." at the beginning for a feeling of authenticity.

You can personalize these for your guests, or just make them funny or even scary (if you're into that).  I also made these for Christmas one year and did "Santa Says".  Here's the recipe for the cookies themselves:  Fortune Cookie Recipe

 

Fun Fortunes:

Confucius says… I am standing right behind you.

Confucius says… Your future will be bright, but you will be blind.

Confucius says… "Catastrophic failure" doesn't even begin to describe it.
Confucius says… Your next orgasm will be extraordinarily messy.

Confucius says… You are destined to fall madly in love with the person who cooked you dinner tonight.

Confucius says… You're destined for greatness, but will be most fondly remembered for the size of your package.


Confucius says… you have terrible taste in music

Confucius says… call in sick tomorrow
Confucius says… Your sharp intellect will never fail you. Unfortunately, everyone else will.
Confucius says… the top button of your pants is about to burst off.

Confucius says… Your butt is too big to fit on an 8 x 11 size sheet of paper, but that won’t stop you from trying to Xerox it.

Confucius says… it’s not an urban legend - if you keep it up, you really will grow hair on your palms.

Confucius says…You will have several children, only one of which will be born with cloven feet.

Confucius says… You will grow a third nipple.

Confucius says… In comedy movie tradition, you are destined to be the fat, annoying, but still lovable, member of the family.

Confucius says… You were destined to have a perfect body,with six-pack abs, but then they invented cookies.

Much like Columbus, you will discover new worlds, and destroy entire populations with infectious disease.


One day, you will look around and realize you have had sex with every single person in this room.

This fortune cookie is made of an extremely powerful aphrodisiac.  Crush and snort immediately.

On the brink of Armageddon, your actions will have absolutely no consequence on the fate of the world.

No photograph has adequately captured your deep sadness.

You will never need sexual enhancement drugs.

You will learn more than you ever wanted to know about your mother's naked body.

Ron Jeremy is jealous of the size of your penis.

Everyone knows what you did last summer.

You’ll never be as sweet as this cookie.

You are destined to eat a lot, sleep a lot, and contribute absolutely nothing to society.

Every lover you have ever had still masturbates when they think of you.

You will eat a fortune cookie.
That wasn’t chicken.
You are destined to take a very large dump in 8 hours.

You will fail at everything you try in life, but it won't matter, because you're hot.

You can’t afford any more humiliation – but you can afford Viagra.

You will be surprisingly successful at sleeping your way to the top.

Your pubic hair will turn spontaneously gray on your next birthday.

Your ability to make people feel shitty about themselves will always be a source of comfort to you.

The interest you pay on your credit card balance could support a nation, but that won’t stop you from buying one more $20 dollar martini.

Those around you will always yearn to bounce quarters off your round, luscious ass.

You will be afflicted with a spontaneous case of explosive diarrhea during your next vacation.

Your dreams will be crushed when your cousin chooses God over an incestuous relationship with you

Christmas:

Okay, so these weren't all specific to the holidays, but these are the ones I used! 

Santa says…I couldn’t help but notice the size of your package.
Santa says… don't bend over in those pants again (for the sake of the pants).

Santa says ... flash someone on your way home tonight!

Santa says... you have the face of an angel and the sex drive of a nymphomaniac.

Santa says... your future will be filled with unexpected delights, like unemployment and divorce.


Santa says…I see a pregnancy scare in your future

Santa says... can you stay for breakfast?

Santa says… you look better with your clothes off.

Santa says… of course size matters!  The bigger the suit, the better.

Santa says… holidays make me horny!




Santa says… if you don’t remember anything in the morning, you probably had a good time

Santa says… you taste like candy canes.

Santa says… kiss the hostess!

Santa says… live life to the fullest – sleep around.

Santa says… you are destined for a career in the challenging fast food industry. 

Santa says… you are hairy enough to be a successful male porn star.

Santa says… you have the courage of a lion, and the grooming habits of a warthog.

Santa says… plastic surgery isn’t just for the rich anymore.

Santa says… everyone will be more attractive if you drink a quart of vodka.

Santa says… so what if you’re a chronic bed wetter – your mother still loves you.

Santa says… your lack of morals and integrity will ensure your financial success.

Santa says… with a few more sit-ups and a bit of plastic surgery, you could be very attractive.

Santa says… you can’t afford any more humiliation – but you can afford Viagra.

Santa says… your lack of judgment and financial management skills make you a fun person.

Santa says…You will be surprisingly successful at sleeping your way to the top

Santa says…Your ass looks great in those pants

Santa says…You will eat more than your own weight in fatty foods this holiday season

Enjoy!